How mindfulness can help reduce conflict in your relationship
What is mindfulness anyway? Some people think of it as some kind of meditation that you have to do… maybe. Kinda sorta. But in this context, and many others, it’s really just being more aware of yourself and what’s going on with and around you.
Conflict is a natural part of any relationship. It’s definitely going to happen. But when it goes badly, or really badly, it can really cause damage and a lot of pain, resentment, anger or even separation. Mindfulness can be a powerful tool for reducing conflict in your marriage and relationships.
Mindfulness is the practice of paying attention to the present moment. When we are mindful, we are more aware of our thoughts, feelings, and bodily sensations. We are also more aware of the present moment and of our surroundings. This awareness can help us realize more what is going on in the situation, to stay more calm during conflict, and to respond in a more thoughtful and compassionate way to our partner.
Here are some specific ways how mindfulness can help to reduce conflict in relationships:
It can help you to calm down and stay present. When we are in the middle of a conflict, our fight or flight system can get triggered and take over before we even know it, making it that much easier to yell, say things we don’t mean or just stomp away. Being more aware of our thoughts and emotions (mindfulness) can help us step back from the situation mentally and be more present to what is actually going on instead of reacting from our triggered state.
It can help you to see things from your partner's perspective. When we are mindful, we are more likely to be able to allow our partner to have space to talk and then actually hear what they are saying. This gives us a better opportunity to respond more compassionately and help us see things from their perspective. When we can approach things from this position, communicating and resolving conflict is much easier.
Mindfulness can help you communicate more effectively. When we are present to the current situation, we are more likely to be able to listen without interrupting or being defensive. We are also more likely to be able to express our own thoughts and feelings in a clear and respectful way.
It can help you be more understanding towards your partner. When we are mindful, we are more likely to be able to see our partner's mistakes as human errors, rather than as personal attacks. This can make it easier to forgive our partner and to move on from the conflict.
That’s all well and good, but how do you actually do it?
Working with a marriage counselor can help with being more mindful in your relationship, but here are some additional tips to get you started right away:
Remember this is a person you love. Really remember that. You’re with this person because they’re funny, smart, kind. Keep this in mind next time you are feeling like they are trying to attack you or boss you around.
Take a time-out. If you feel yourself getting angry or upset, take a few minutes to step away from the situation. Go for a walk, listen to your favorite song, take deep breaths… whatever you know will help you recenter yourself.
Listen actively. When your partner is talking, really listen to what they are saying. Don't just wait for your turn to talk. Pro tip: if you are planning what you are going to say to respond—you’re not listening.
Avoid blaming and name-calling. As a rule, stick to “I” statements. If you are starting a sentence with “you” it is more likely to come across as blaming and lead to character judgements. That will only make things worse.
Be willing to negotiate. No one is going to get everything they want in every conflict. Put the relationship (and your evening) first and come up with a solution that both of you can agree on.
Mindfulness is not something that will instantly solve all of your relationship problems. And I’m going to be honest, it takes practice. But when it works, it’s a great tool for reducing conflict and improving communication.
If you are interested in learning about this and other ways marriage counseling can help you improve your relationship, learn more here.